My Line in the Sand

It’s no secret that I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking over the last month trying to come to grips with my overactive mind, and trying hard to overturn some of the thoughts, actions and routines that I find myself in. Some of this has led to great insight and brought to light some things I would have never noticed myself. It’s also led to many sleepless nights, some depressing days, and has been quite emotionally draining. 

Based on the success of a chat I had online the other day with FauxRed, where we discussed the things we both saw we should work on to be better partners in future relationships, I decided to email NB to apologize. We both just kinda let things go and dropped off communication after an incident around christmas where friends of NB and Faux Red both indicated that I was dating them both. I was hanging out with both, but no actual mention of any status had been discussed, and honestly, I think if the friends hadn’t been speaking for both FR and NB, nothing would have happened. As it were though, the episode turned into an embarrassing and awkward event for everyone, and afterwards NB pretty much stopped talking to me. 

I guess a bit more background is needed. So, NB and I went out for a couple months, then broke up and stayed friends. I was introduced to FR and we started dating, but she was a bit too aggressive and self centered to mesh with my personality. I do want to be more like her in my interactions, but just not date her. I had promised myself a trip out of the country by the end of the year, and after asking FR, (who said she wasn’t interested, because she had other group trips that were more important to her) I asked NB, who was looking to take a trip as well. Of course, after I announced my intention to take a trip with NB, FR was offended and officially ended things, even though they weren’t ever officially started, but we stayed friendly anyway. After the trip FR came back around and provided that she wanted to get back together, and that she didn’t realize I was really asking her to go on a trip. FR and I hung out from time to time, and it was just good and comfortable, but anytime she brought up getting together, I reminded her of her earlier choice. At this time, I tried to stay in touch and friendly with NB as well, although it was entirely platonic, and honestly a bit weird when we hung out. Fast forward to a birthday party for a friend who knows both FR and NB, and while NB and FR aren’t there, their friends discuss their dating lives, FR’s friend says that she is dating me, and I guess NB’s friends were under the impression she was doing the same… and boom. After that, NB pretty much stopped returning anything more than a couple words when I’d text her, and after a couple attempts at having lunch, I gave up. 

Until now… 

After my good feedback from FR, I felt as though I needed to clear things up with NB as well, thinking at the least, I’d get some things off my chest, and if lucky maybe some more feedback as to how to become a better person. This was my attempt… 

NB,

I have been thinking about doing this for a while, and since I’m stuck at work this evening, I’m trying to get some things knocked off my to do list. I mostly have been putting it off because I don’t know what I really want to say other than to just express some things that have been rattling around in my head.

Mostly, I just want to apologize both for things I said along the way, and things I didn’t.

I also understand this is probably going to be something you weren’t looking for, or expecting… So, feel free to just stop reading here, know that I am sorry for any ill feelings you have towards me, and the situations we found ourselves in. Just delete this, and we can go on our separate ways like we have for the last couple months. (not that I am looking for anything more, just a chance to explain and apologize for my behavior) Then again, maybe this is just a selfish thing I’m trying to do to feel better about how I left things. Either way… if this isn’t something you are interested in… just don’t deal with it by deleting this now.

<— Long Break Removed —>

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently, trying to learn about myself, make more of an effort to get past my hangups and issues communicating and just trying to learn from my mistakes. In order to keep from rambling on I’m going to just make this more of a list, instead of a book…

1. Purpose: My purpose in this is not to gain any more contact, get anything from you or to do anything other than say I’m sorry. To be honest, I see you online on facebook and in that list of names on gmail chat, and when I see yours it bothers me that I feel we ended things on bad terms. Even though I’m trying to get over my oversensitivity to what the public in large thinks about me, I actually respect you and having that same thought about you having a negative image of me bothers me. I think those thoughts are probably well justified on your side, and if nothing else want to say I’m sorry for leaving it that way.

2. How things were left: I don’t know what happened that night at the party, but in the scenario that plays out in my head, it seems like it would be the kind of awkward scenario that I would run from. Knowing FauxRed as well, and how her personality is 180 degrees from mine, I’m sure she tried to be overly friendly in the face of such a situation, which to me, and I’d guess you would make things even more awkward. I really don’t know what was said beyond that, but I can understand the confusion, embarrassment and awkwardness that came from it. As far as FauxRed and I at that point, to my knowledge we weren’t dating. She had called things off before you and I went to Europe, but when we got back we stayed friends, but we had never talked about getting back together. She had mentioned that she’d be interested in getting back together, but I had responded that for the same reasons that it wasn’t working out the first time, it wouldn’t work in the future. Our biggest issue is that she is a very in your face, my way or the highway kind of person, and since I’ve been in a couple relationships with women like that, where I got walked all over and got stuck in it, it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue. So, in her mind she wanted to get back together and had probably mentioned that to her friends that it was happening. I just wanted to say that to give some background… I’m not trying to place blame on her, because ultimately I should have been more forceful with her about what our status was. As usual though, since I wasn’t really pressed to give a yes or no answer on things… I just took the path of least resistance. The same probably could have been said for us, before and after the trip. We should have had a conversation about what it all meant, what we wanted out of the experience and how things were when we got back.

3. The Trip: First, I want to say that I had a great time, and really enjoyed your company on the trip. I guess overall that’s one place where our laid back attitudes kinda work out together. Thinking about it, and dare I say talking to my therapist about some of the things you mentioned being frustrated with me about on the trip, I can say that I didn’t handle some parts very well. My problem is that I sometimes overthink and then try to do what I think is right, but with blinders on to how that impacts everything else around me. I think one of the things you mentioned being frustrated with is me changing my mind and just changing the direction of our plans after one of those “6 one way - half a dozen the other” moments. In the past, when going on trips with my family they always tend to joke that they spend the trip following me because I’m the one who’s done the research. I also tend to travel alone a lot, so one of the things I was trying to be conscious of was asking for your input on things. For the most part, I think we probably both didn’t mind doing whatever the options were, and so then when we both had done the “Either way” thing, my next thought was that instead of getting in a loop and going back and forth, I should just make a decision, as that’s what I’ve read the guy should do. I then took off and I’m sure left you kinda out of the loop to follow. Looking back, I can understand that I should have been more transparent about the direction of things, but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. There were other things, some of which we mentioned, mostly related to either me not communicating my thoughts to you when you did provide input, or us both kinda just letting little things build up over time. I’m not blaming you for any of that, I take full responsibility for the fact that I failed at telling you what I thought or wanted.

4. Overall interactions: It’s sad, but when I think back about the time we spent together, many of the things that come first to my mind are things I wish I could have done differently or better. There are many moments when I said things that I know could have been taken as hurtful, or un-respectful. I knew it at the time, and should have said something, but it was just easier to pretend that what I said would effect you, and since you didn’t bring it up I just swept it under the rug. One such instance that comes to mind is when we were talking about something, and you being a lawyer, and I said, trying to be sarcastic that you were really just a sales person. I knew as soon as it came out of my mouth that it was wrong, and that I should have clarified, or apologized right then. I was too embarrassed by it though, and ran away from the conflict. I don’t know if that’s something you remember, but it’s bothered me a bit, as I never meant to show any disrespect or imply in any way that I thought you were anything less than capable of doing whatever you want. There are other examples of things, but for some reason I have a much harder time telling people I respect, or admire positive things. Instead, I end up being sarcastic and saying the exact opposite. So, there were the times I should have said that I thought you looked nice, or just said whatever nice things I was thinking, but I just didn’t open my mouth, either from fear of rejection (stupid, I know) or quite simply just being an idiot that overthinks things too much.

5. Default Behaviors: I think my lack of communication was further compounded by my default behavior. I’ve realized that while I don’t communicate verbally as well as I should, I tend to try to make up for it with physical contact. It’s just something I think I tried to compensate for the lack of being able to say things by just trying to touch you more, but after the initial stage, I just felt like I wasn’t sure if I should or that I was doing it too much, so I tried to stop. This made things unnatural for me, and probably a bit hard to read. I know I was annoying with some of it at times, but I was just trying to be playful and reach out in my own way. Yet again, another area where communication would have helped a lot. I do see the trend here, and yeah… I know I need to work on it, and think I’m making progress, but it was still my failure in the past that caused a lot of problems. I’m sorry for the times when my inability to communicate caused you any grief.

6 Why: Why am I telling you all this? Its a combination of wanting to give / get feedback, closure. To actually face things instead of just sweeping them under the rug. I’ve been making working on this a priority in my life for the last month or so, and I’ve actually learned a good bit about myself in the last couple weeks. It’s been a number of sleepless nights deconstructing my behaviors, trying to figure out how to make things better, and above all getting feedback from my friends about my behavior, how I come across and just getting their thoughts on how I treat them.

So, that’s it.. It’s long-winded, probably tries to explain too much, without actually doing so.. But, the overall message is… “I’m sorry for not living up to my end of the friendship / relationship etc. ” I do think highly of you, and don’t have any negative feelings towards you. I hope one day that will be the case for you as well. Like I said before, I don’t expect, or need a response. And, I’m also sorry if this was selfish of me to send this, but it’s something I needed to say as it bothers me that I believe you look back on our time in an overall negative light.

Having said that.. I am pretty open to feedback, so if there is anything you want to share… please be as brutally honest as possible as I want to learn, and understand how my actions or lack thereof make other people feel, and hopefully use that to change. I can’t stress enough though, that I don’t expect anything from you, nor would I have any ill will if you no longer showed up on my facebook or gmail chat after this.

Maybe I tried to explain too much. I just wanted her to understand a bit about why I did the things I did, and that I wasn’t trying to do anything intentionally to hurt or be mean to her. 

I think I failed… or I could have just waited too long… or this could be a good reminder of why it didn’t work out, on more levels than just my communication issues. 

This is what I got back.. 

Alan,
 
When I first started reading this email, I thought it was going to be an apology.  However, I feel this is little cryptic and I’m not sure what exactly you are trying to convey.  If you would like to speak to me, feel free to call me.  I’d be happy to meet for lunch sometime if you would rather speak to me in person.
 
NB

Okay, so I opened up and tried to be as honest as I could, took all the blame I could, and to me it seems as though she think’s it wasn’t enough of an apology. 

On one hand… I was kinda hurt by her response. Had she even read what I said? Was all of my explaining that cryptic, and had I just assumed she’d understand that I was trying to give her something more than just an off the cuff, “I’m Sorry?”

On the other… It sort of enraged me, as I felt like I deserved more than just… “If you want to come to me, I’ll deal with you long enough to let you say what you want, but I’m can’t be bothered to stoop to your level.” 

Ultimately, I think it’s for the best. I do feel better, having at least attempted to say “I’m sorry” and trying to explain my actions. I decided to just respond in kind, and I have a weird feeling… this will be the last I hear from NB. 

It was meant to be an apology. I may have spent too much time trying to explain my thoughts, but the underlying idea was that… I’m sorry for not being as communicative as I should have been, and any ill effects that had. I never meant to be mean, hurtful or unkind to you. 

That’s it… 

I can’t be as honest and speak my mind via the phone or in person as I feel like I need to be. I’m sorry for that, but it’s who I am. 

Anyway, I hope you the best in the future.

I have got to let go of what other people think. That’s the key to most of the things I struggle with. I feel the need to have everyone like me, and worry way too much why they don’t when I don’t get the kind of reaction I’d expect from them. 

I haven’t been able to sleep very much, and can’t turn off the constant cycle of thoughts in my head. I get frustrated because I tend to surround myself with very outgoing people, and desire so much to be more like them, but being around them is a constant reminder that I’m not that that person that I want to be.

I need to focus on the fact that I’ve made a good deal of progress, and while I am not where I would like to be, life is a journey.

Sleep… Then ask the girl I tried calling today, to go see Snow White. 

I come to Nappers to try my hand at being a bit more assertive, only to be confronted with someone that is exactly what I don’t want to be confused with.

I think it’s fitting that I’m writing this on April Fool’s day. I believe that I’ve been the fool for the last… well, quite a while. I’ve spent so much of my life just trying to make other people happy, and even beyond that, making excuses for why they wouldn’t want to do what I wanted to ask of them, if I had the guts to ask. I’ve known that I was doing this on some level, but on other levels, I thought of it as being considerate. My therapist said something quite revealing to me, on our last visit. She mentioned that by not giving people the chance to say no, by deciding how they’d answer, how they’d think of me, how my request for what I wanted would impact their lives, I was actually not giving the respect that they deserved, to be able to make their own decisions. 

Just framing this thought a bit differently, has really opened my eyes, and so from here forth… I plan on asking myself first… What do I want? And that will be my main motivating factor in deciding what I do, or don’t want to do. 

So, the first week and I have already somewhat changed my plan for setting my goals and posting. While, I’m good at creating new ideas, setting them in motion… My follow through on the other hand, sometimes needs some work. 

Looking Back: 

I’ve accomplished some things, made a couple phone calls that I had been putting off for quite a while, got myself really stressed about confronting the owner of the unit above mine, and got a bit closer to asking for help for bikes in my local cycle shop. 

I ended up buying a watch this weekend, even though I didn’t exactly get a good deal, or do a great job in asking for help, but I’ll save that and a picture for sometime later in the day.

Week Ahead:

After 2 days of being stressed, calling and speaking to the owner, and then having things sort of fall into place regarding getting the ceiling repaired in my bathroom, the contractor is supposed to be here in 10 minutes or so. Hopefully if all goes well, I’ll be done with this hassle by the end of the evening. 

This week, I’m going to keep working on trying to ask for help on biking, and plan to find some sort of group activity to participate in. I’ll work on trying to update a couple times during the week as well. 

Goals for Tomorrow:

• Call back the owner of the unit above mine - I emailed him on Monday, and he called me while I was at work yesterday.

Results of Todays Challenges:

Today, (yesterday by now actually) my goals were to stop in to the bike shop by my house, and to call the bank about depositing coins.

I stopped in at the bike shop on the way to work, and the guy there was helping another guy find a bike for his young daughter. I kinda walked around, and waited for them to get done thinking he’d come over and ask if I wanted some help. After helping the customer though, he ended up getting very engrossed in the Tour de France and kinda ignored me. I just slipped out the door and headed to work without really interacting. So, I didn’t exactly hit my goal, but at least I gave it a shot.

The calling the bank piece went a little better. I called, made my inquiry after stumbling around what I wanted for a bit, and got the information I wanted. I think next time I should ask a follow up question, but for now… It’s progress.